Yeah, sweetie, the sex was mind-blowing

Excuse me, but you have no evidence but the other person’s word that the sex was ‘mind-blowing’ if having sex gives you amnesia. In fact, maybe it was awful and you’re just trying to forget it, but your husband Fred is all ‘No really, honey, it was an amazing time! I can’t believe you don’t remember it was the best sex you've ever had! We should get you to a doctor ASAP!’

I call 'suspect' on the husband's story. http://bit.ly/oCOK9q

Mandarin Orange Protest of 2011

There are those days… and for me, these days come often… when I wish I could claim to be related to anyone else but my family.

The story goes like this: My aunt, who is crazy sixteen ways to Timbuktu, sends out e-mails like it’s 1999. That’s not a metaphor. She really forwards e-mails with messages from Pat Robertson and jokes and all sorts of smiley faces bouncing around like the emoticon just got invented, with some sort of “Pass is on to 10 more people and God will continue to love you” ultimatum at the bottom of the e-mail.

My aunt and her whole branch of the family are of the Tea Partying, Sarah-Palin-is-an-American-Hero-and-Obama-is-trying-to-make-us-all-Islamic-Communists-who-worship-Satan-and-healthcare mindset. So to be fair, I know when I’m opening these e-mails it’s not going to be a message from a Mensa member.

But I open them anyways. And last week, I was hit with a deluge of them too. One was the “Oxymorons” email, which I’m fairly sure my aunt re-sends every six months. For example:

“Why do slow up and slow down mean the same thing?”

(Dear Aunt Brenda, while they do essentially mean the same thing, ‘slow up’ is a term that deals most often with velocity. For example, pilots pull up on their joysticks to slow a plane down, hence they “slow up.”)

But I get the irony. Ha. … Ha. It is very funny. *deep breath*

But my favorite e-mail from last week was about the state of the American economy and how something as simple as Mandarin oranges will be the end of America as we know it.

The direct text (I kid you not) and in all caps, so we hear her slash spam-sending-guy's outrage:

I WAS BUYING FOOD THE OTHER DAY AT WALMART and ON THE LABEL OF SOME PRODUCTS IT SAID 'FROM CHINA '

FOR EXAMPLE THE "OUR FAMILY" BRAND OF THE MANDARIN ORANGES SAYS RIGHT ON THE CAN 'FROM CHINA '

I WAS SHOCKED SO FOR A FEW MORE CENTS I BOUGHT THE LIBERTY GOLD BRAND OR THE DOLE SINCE IT'S FROM CALIF.

First of all, if you want to take issue with the state of the American economy, perhaps you should choose NOT to shop at Wal-Mart and instead indulge in shopping at one of your local groceries. At some of these stores, they even sell fresh, non-canned oranges that the state of Florida, in the United States of America, is well-known for growing.

Second, MANDARIN ORANGES ARE CHINESE ORANGES!

Did my caps lock make it a more effective experience for you? I thought so.

They are Chinese Oranges. There's an entire region of China, a section of my Chinese food menu and 1.051 billion people on Earth who speak a language labeled 'Mandarin.' And yes, that region of China produces oranges. In fact, China produces 1500 percent more Mandarin Oranges than the second highest producing country in the world every year. Why? Because these oranges are native to China! The Mandarin orange was around China for at least 3,000 years before any other country began to grow them.

And in case you were wondering about their whole "American" point, Dole’s Mandarin Oranges are grown in Japan. Liberty Gold’s Mandarin oranges are produced in Indonesia and … wait for it … CHINA.

Just because they are California companies, doesn’t mean these foreign oranges are of native descent. Again, because they are oranges of foreign origins. (say that three times fast.)

I’m a big believer in buying and eating locally, because doing so is better for our health and environment. I’m the tree-hugging, hippy-dippy liberal that my family in the ‘Michelle Bachmann Rulz’ t-shirt owning business doesn’t understand.

And maybe their arguments would mean more to me if they weren’t shopping at Wal-Mart while trying to buy American Mandarin Oranges (These magical oranges fall in the same category as Freedom FrenchFries and All-American Belgian Waffles). By all means, shop at Wal-Mart if you choose. But don’t scream in righteous outrage when you figure out their secret to low, low prices. In fact, I applaud Wal-Mart for stating on their label that their oranges come from China (I had to do a bit more research to find out where the California orange-canning companies get the oranges the can in America from).

Or protest eating a foreign-grown Mandarin Orange by eating a Florida-grown naval orange instead. But to be upset that Chinese oranges come from China? Enough already, you blowhards.

I tire of the moral indignation people on the right… and the left… feel regarding where everything we make comes from. And those lefties drive me nuts too. I drive an American made car. How do I know that? My Honda Civic was built at a plant 20 minutes from my house by some American guy or gal who shops in the same grocery store I do. But Honda is a Japanese corporation, therefore, my car, and myself by extension, are evil.

Bite me.

On this note, I wish people have to stop shouting just for the sake of hearing their own voice or seeing their thoughts in caps lock. It takes very little thought or schooling to know that Mandarin oranges originate from China. It's right there in the name and everything.

The end of my aunt’s e-mail asks everyone reading to commit to buying American only not just one day or one week a month, but “for 30 days of every month, all year long.”

So, per my Aunt’s request, I encourage you to go hog wild on the 31sts of January, March, May, July, August, October and December every year and buy nothing but foreign made products. Go China.